THROWING UP: If you have to throw up, get to a
bed quickly. Barf in the middle of the quilt, preferably
a good thick one that doesn't fit in the washer. It will
give the human a chance to go to a launderette and spend
more money. Add this cost to the total you're already
costing them. It makes you feel treasured and expensive.
If you cannot manage to get to a quilt, try a chair or
an Oriental rug. If there is no Oriental rug, shag is
good. When throwing up on the carpet, make sure you back
up so that it is as long as the human's bare foot. Move
around as much as possible to leave a glob, here, there
and everywhere. Stand back and watch your mistress gag
and swear while she tries to clean it up.
DOORS: Do not allow closed doors in any room.
To get a door opened, stand on your hind legs and scratch
loudly. Once the door is opened, it is considered bad
form to go through it.
After you have ordered
an outside door opened, stand halfway in and out and think
about several things. Take a good look around, pull your
head back in. Look around the room. You don't have to
decide quickly. This is particularly important during
very cold weather, rain, snow, and mosquito season. Most
of the damn fools will hold the door until you get the
lay of the land and see which way the wind blows. For
a real treat, after several minutes, go back into the
room, then look at them and say "what're you holding the
damn door open for?"
3. GUESTS: Quickly
determine which guest hates cats the most. Sit on that
humans lap. If you can, attempt to have "Friskies
Fish n'Glop" on your breath.
on laps or rubbing against clothing, select fabric colour
which contrasts well with your fur. For example: white
furred cats should go to black wool clothing. For the
guest who claims, "I love kitties," be ready
with aloof disdain; apply claws to clothing or use a quick
nip on the ankle. When walking among the dishes on the
dinner table, be prepared to look surprised and hurt when
scolded. The idea is to convey, "But you always allow
me on the table when company isn't here."
accompany guests to the bathroom. It isn't necessary to
do anything. Just sit and stare. See rule 12 for correct
WORK: If one of your humans is sewing or writing
and another is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called
helping, but is known to humans as hampering.
are the rules for hampering:
supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of
the cook. You can't be seen and thereby stand a better
chance of being stepped on, picked up and consoled.
book readers, get in close under the chin, between the
human's eyes and the book, unless you can lie across the
book itself. If it is a newspaper, claw at it until shredded,
Your human will appreciate a home-made toy!
knitting projects, curl up quietly onto the lap of the
knitter and pretend to doze. Occasionally reach out and
slap the knitting needles or grab the yarn in your mouth-
The knitter may try to distract you with a scrap ball
of yarn, but don't be fooled by this manoeuvre. Remember,
the aim is to hamper work.
people paying bills (monthly activity) or working on income
taxes or Christmas cards (annual activity), keep in mind
the aim -- to hamper! First, sit on the paper being worked
on. When dislodged, watch sadly from the side of the table.
When activity proceeds nicely, roll around on the papers,
scattering them to the best of your ability. After being
removed for the second time, push pens, pencils, and erasers
off the table, one at a time.
a human is holding the newspaper in front of him/her,
be sure to jump on the back of the paper. They love to
PLAY: Play is important. Get enough steep in the
daytime so you are fresh for playing catch mouse or king-of-the-hill
on their bed between 2 AM and 4 AM. Below are listed several
favorite cat games that you can play. It is important
though to maintain one's Dignity at all times. If you
should have an accident during play, such as falling off
a chair, immediately wash a part of your body as if to
say "I MEANT to do that!" It fools those humans every
PAPER BAGS: Within paper bags
dwell the Bag Mice. They are small and camouflaged to
be the same color as the bag, so they are hard to see.
But you can easily hear the crinkling noises they make
as they scurry around the bag. Anything, up to and including
shredding the bag, can be done to kill them.
of their easy chairs are great places to scratch and
claw the fabric. You need to leave your mark on the
world. This always gets their attention. Hassocks are
also good scratching posts. It is advised that cats
use any scratching post the humans may provide. They
are very protective of what they think is their property
and will object strongly if they catch you sharpening
your claws on it.
Humans have three primary functions: to feed us, to
play with and give attention to us, and to clean the
litter box. It is important to maintain one's Dignity
when around humans so that they will not forget who
is the master of the house. Humans need to know basic
rules. They can be taught if you start early and are
LICK-IT DIET: Let them open another can of food.
Lick-it dry. Smear it around the dish then turn your nose
up at it. An hour later you can sit by the dish and look
at it with disdain, meaning; you don't expect me to eat
this dry rubbish, do you?
RUG BURN: Take chunks of food from the plate
and drop it on the rug just inside the living room. This
is always good to burn them up.
THE SMELL OF HELL: Wander gingerly over to the
food they just put out. Stretch your neck out and smell
it. Then look up at them with that look that says, "what
is this rubbish?"
WHERE'S MY MILK?: Sit in front of the fridge
with your back to them. Be patient because sometimes they
won't get up until a commercial. Look over your shoulder
at them with a pitiful look. They feel so guilty for making
you wait, they'll give you the heavy cream.
CONFUSION SAY: Yes, I know I ate some of that
this morning, but that was this morning. I don't want
any more of that. Make them open another can of something
different. Always keep them confused about your diet.
REDECORATE: A few spots of dried food look great
on the carpet. The harder it gets, the harder they work!
BIRDS & MICE AND THINGS NOT NICE: Always bring
home your quarry. Be sure to mess it up. Entrails are
a nice touch. Leave it just outside the front door if
possible. It's always good if they're not looking down
and step on it. This is the Cat's Meow!
7. PEE TIME:
Even if you don't have to go, time your visit for about
3 A.M. Climb on their bed and get in their face. Tickle
them with your whiskers until they wake up. The old man
probably had to pee anyway but was too lazy to get up.
Make a stop by the fridge. It's always worth a try to
see if he gives you some milk. If he does, you can always
wake him again at 4 A.M.
8. FOIL & TOIL:
A cigarette pack or a ball of foil is great to play with.
Be sure to shred it and scatter the pieces. When the old
lady is bent over picking up the scraps, you can chuckle
at her backside. After all, they don't understand our
The main object here is to get underfoot. It's also fun
to startle them. As often as possible, dart quickly and
as close as possible in front of the human, especially:
on stairs, when they have something in their arms, in
the dark, and when they first get up in the morning. This
will help their coordination skills. Always act afraid
of dogs in front of humans. They feel so sorry they pick
you up to comfort you. Put on a big show and hang on for
10. HAIR TODAY,
HAIR TOMORROW: If you have a bite, be sure to
pull a few hairs out. Try to leave them against a nice
background where someone is sure to sit. This is sure
to get you a nice brushing. Most cats doze off while they
are brushed. It's almost better than being petted.
11. ANOTHER CAT?:
No way! Establish your territory early. Make that the
intruder respects you. He'll give you lots of room and
walk around you. When you know he wants to eat, go over
and pick on the food so he has to wait. If you like his
food, steal it. Deny him all privileges. Be sure to carry
on if they give him any attention.
Always sit just around the corner of the door so they
narrowly miss stepping on you. Smile as they trip, bang
into a wall and curse. Hide under the table until they
calm down and want to pet you and calm you down.