-
Pick
cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm
as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and
thumb on either side of cat’s mouth and gently apply
pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand.
As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat
to close mouth and swallow.
-
Retrieve
pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat
in left arm and repeat process. Retrieve cat from
bedroom and throw away soggy pill.
-
Take
new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding
rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open
and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger.
Hold mouth shut to a count of 10.
-
Retrieve
pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe.
Call spouse from garden. Kneel on floor with cat firmly
wedged between knees, holding front and rear paws.
Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold
cat’s head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden
ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat’s
throat vigorously.
-
Retrieve
cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil
wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains.
Carefully sweep shattered figurines from hearth and
set to one side for glueing later.
-
Wrap
cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with
it’s head just visible from below spouses armpit.
Put pill in the end of a drinking straw, force cats
mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
-
Check
label to make sure pill is not harmful to humans,
drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply plaster
to spouses forearm and remove blood from carpet with
cold water and soap.
-
Retrieve
cat from neighbour’s shed. Get another pill. Place
cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave
head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon.
Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
-
Fetch
screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back
on it’s hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check
records for date of last tetanus injection. Throw
torn T-shirt away and get new one from bedroom.
-
Tie
cat’s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and
bind tightly to leg of dining table. Find heavy duty
pruning gloves from shed. Force cat’s mouth open with
small spanner. Push pill into mouth followed by large
piece of Cod. Hold head vertically and pour pint of
milk down throat to wash pill down.
-
Get
spouse to drive you to Casualty department at local
Hospital. Sit quietly while Doctor stitches fingers
and forearm and removes pill remnants from eyes. Stop
by Furniture shop on way home to order a new table.
