God's Management Questionnaire

God's Total Quality Management Questionnaire

GOD'S TOTAL QUALITY MANAGEMENT QUESTIONNAIRE

4th July 4004 B.C.

God would like to thank you for your belief and patronage. In order to better serve your needs, He asks that you take a few moments to answer the following questions.

Please keep in mind that your responses will be kept completely confidential, and that you need not disclose your name or address unless you prefer a direct response to comments or suggestions.

1. How did you find out about God?

__ Newspaper __ Other Book

__ Television __ Divine Inspiration

__ Word of mouth __ Near Death Experience

__ Tabloid __ Burning Shrubbery

__ Bible __ Torah

__ Other (specify): _____________

2. Which model God did you acquire?

__ Yoweh __ Father, Son & Holy Ghost Triplet

__ Jehova __ Jesus

__ Alah __ Satan

__ God __ G_d

__ Bill Gates __ Ronald McDonald

__ None of the above, I was taken in by a false god

3. Did your God come to you undamaged, with all parts in good working order and with no obvious breakage or missing attributes?

__ Yes __ No

If no, please describe the problems you initially encountered here: ____

4. What factors were relevent in your decision to acquire a god?

Please check all that apply.

__ Indoctrinated by parents __ Needed a reason to live

__ Indoctrinated by society __ Needed focus in who to despise

__ Imaginary friend grew up __ Hate to think for myself

__ Wanted to meet girls/boys __ Fear of death

__ Wanted to piss off parents __ Needed a day away from work

__ Desperate need for certainty __ Like Organ Music

__ Need to feel Morally Superior __ My shrubbery caught fire and told me to do it

5. Have you ever worshipped a God before?

If so, which false god were you fooled by? Please check all that apply.

__ Odin __ Cthulhu

__ Zeus __ The Almighty Dollar

__ Appolo __ Left Wing Liberalism

__ Ra __ Barney T.B.P.D.

__ The great Spirit __ The Great Pumpkin

__ The Sun __ Bill Clinton

__The Moon __ A burning cabbage

__ The Bomb __ Other: ________________

6. Are you currently using any other source of inspiration in addition to God?

Please check all that apply.

__ Tarot __ Lottery

__ Astrology __ Television

__ Fortune cookies __ Ann Landers

__ Psychic Friends Network __ Dianetics

__ Palmistry __ Playboy and/or Playgirl

__ Self-help books __ Sex, Drugs and Rock and Roll

__ Biorythms __ Bill Clinton

__ Tea Leaves __ EST

__ Mantras __ Jimmy Swaggert

__ Crystals __ Human Sacrifice

__ Pyramids __ Wandering around a desert

__ Insurance policies __ Burning Shrubbery

__ Barney Fife __ Barney T.B.P.D. __

Other: _____________________ __ None

7. God employs a limited degree of Divine Intervention to preserve the balanced level of felt presence and blind faith. Which would you prefer (circle one)?

a. More Divine Intervention

b. Less Divine Intervention

c. Current level of Divine Intervention is just right

d. Don't know...what's Divine Intervention?

8. God also attempts to maintain a balanced level of disasters and miracles. Please rate on a scale of 1 - 5 his handling of the following (1=unsatisfactory, 5=excellent):

a. Disasters flood 1 2 3 4 5

famine 1 2 3 4 5

earthquake 1 2 3 4 5

war 1 2 3 4 5

pestilence 1 2 3 4 5

plague 1 2 3 4 5

SPAM 1 2 3 4 5

AOL 1 2 3 4 5

b. Miracles rescues 1 2 3 4 5

spontaneous remissions 1 2 3 4 5

stars hovering over towns 1 2 3 4 5

crying statues 1 2 3 4 5

water changing to wine 1 2 3 4 5

walking on water (other 1 2 3 4 5 than the Hudson)

talking flaming shrubbery 1 2 3 4 5

VCRs that set their own clocks 1 2 3 4 5

Sadam Husein still alive 1 2 3 4 5

Cubs winning the Series 1 2 3 4 5

Clinton's re-election 1 2 3 4 5 9

Do you have any additional comments or suggestions for improving the quality of God's services? (Attach an additional sheet if necessary): _____________________

Fell free to send your completed questionnaire to the Siliconhell God's Paperwork Team at godshelper@siliconhell.com . Alternatively click here to send.

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