Men V Women

[manor]

A bank recently expanded by building a drive through ATM. To best serve it’s customers using this new facility, they spent many months of careful research, until they developed different procedures for men and women. To notify it’s customers it posted a sign in it’s lobby.

“Please note that we’ve recently installed new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving the comfort of their vehicles. Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below:

Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender:

MEN
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt, shove them into your wallet.
6. Close window.
7. Exit drive through.

WOMEN
1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided.
23. Give dirty look to irate customers waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Close window
27. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
28. Release Parking Brake.”

Yes I am female - still thought it was funny though

[manor]

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife, looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she’d like to have for her birthday.

‘I’d like to be six again’, she replied, still looking in the mirror.

On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there was.

Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.

He then took her to a McDonald’s where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.

Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M’s What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, ‘Well Dear, what was it like being six again?

‘Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. ‘I meant my dress size, you dumb jerk!’

The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he’s gonna get it wrong.

[fifi2004]

I thought they were brilliant. Just goes to show you even if a man can get the money, he still can't spend it properly.

[Indi]

Is Your Computer 'Male' or 'Female'?

As you are aware, ships have long been characterized as being female.
(e.g., "Steady as she goes" or "She's listing to starboard, Captain!")
Recently, a group of computer scientists (all male) announced that computers should also be referred to as being female. Their reasons for drawing this conclusion follows:

Five reasons to believe computers are female:


No one but the Creator understands their internal logic.
The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
The message "Bad command or file name" is about as informative as, "If you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going to tell you."
Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.


However, another group of computer scientists (all female) think that computers should be referred to as if they were male.

Their reasons follow:


They have a lot of data, but are still clueless.
They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.
As soon as you commit to one you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have obtained a better model.
In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
Big power surges knock them out for the rest of the night.

[Waldo]

Ziploc Bags -- are Male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.

Copiers -- are Female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm them up again. It's an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed.

Tires -- are Male, because they go bald and are often over-inflated.

Sponges -- are Female, because they're soft, squeezable and retain water.

Hot Air Balloons -- are Male, because, to get them to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under it, and of course, there's the hot air part.

Web Pages -- are Female, because they're always getting hit on.

Subways -- are Male, because they use the same old lines to pick people up.

Hourglasses -- are Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.

Hammers -- are Male, because they haven't changed much over the last 5,000 years, but are handy to have around.

Remote Controls -- are Female...Ha! You thought they'd be male. However, consider this -- it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.