A few jokes to share ...

[madcat]

So Batman came up to me and he hit me over the head with a vase and he went T'PAU!
I said "Don't you mean KAPOW??
He said "No, I've got china in my hand."

You invented Tipp Ex, correct me if I'm wrong.

I'm so lazy I've got a smoke alarm with a snooze button.

I bought some Armageddon cheese today, it said on the packet 'Best Before End'

So I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue."
I said "No, just a watch."

I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle."
The bloke said "Kenwood"
I said, "Where is he?"

So I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?"
The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?"
I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."

I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby.
They gave me a Volkswagen Beetle with no driver.

My mate is in love with two schoolbags.
He's bisatchel.

I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels."
He said, "You've got cholera."

So I met the bloke who invented crosswords today.
I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.

I was reading this book today, The History Of Glue .
I couldn't put it down.

I phoned the local ramblers club today, and this bloke just went on and on.

My mate asked me "What do you think of voluntary work??
I said "I wouldn't do it if you paid me."

So I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener.
I said, "You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana."
He said, "No, this is for the custard."

This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper.
He said, "I want you to trace someone for me."

So this lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins.
It was a turtle disaster.

So I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley.
She said "Tenpin?"
I said, "No, it's a permanent job."

So I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre.
She said, "Are you having me on?"
I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything."

I phoned the local builders today, I said to them "Can I have a skip outside my house?"
He said, "I'm not stopping you!"

So this cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and says "Audi!"

So I fancied a game of darts with my mate.
He said, "Nearest the bull goes first"
He went "Baah"
and I went "Moo"
He said "You're closest"

So I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it.
I thought that's Aboriginal.

I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me I'd been promoted.
I was so shocked I swerved the car.
He phoned me again to say I'd been promoted even higher and I swerved again.
He then made me managing director and I went right off into a tree.
The police came and asked me what had happened. I said
"I careered off the road"

I visited the offices of the RSPCA today.
It's so tiny you couldn't swing a cat in there.

I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of vampires.
I was charged with shoplifting on three counts.

I bought a train ticket and the driver said "Eurostar"
I said "Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin.

I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits.
He said, "How flexible are you?"
I said, "I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays."

So I went to the local video shop
I said, "Can I take out The Elephant Man?"
He said, "He's not your type."
I said "How about Batman Forever?"
He said, "No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow"

[Mike]

Some of them are really bad, a couple of them did make me laugh though

Mike...

[salocius]

The old ones are the best. Cheered me up nicely

Thanks Madcat

[dazbeattie]

Old...Cheesy... but brings a smile to my face.

Keep em coming...

Daz