Airline problems

[salocius]

After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form,
called a “gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the
aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their
repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the
next flight.
Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor.
Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by
Qantas'
pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked
with an S) by maintenance engineers.
By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has
never had an accident causing the loss of life.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet
per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be
serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds
like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget

[TheGuru]

I first read the above about 10 years ago, but it still makes me laugh everytime I see it