Extract from Bluescope Steel HR Manual

[Hyno]

Effective Immediately

SICK DAYS:
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you
are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

SURGERY:
Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need
all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you
intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of your employment
contract.

PERSONAL DAYS:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called
Saturday & Sunday.

VACATION DAYS:
All employees will take their vacation at the same time every year. The
vacation days are as follows: Jan. 1, Jan. 26 & Dec. 25

BEREAVEMENT LEAVE:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead
friends, relatives or coworkers. Every effort should be made to have
non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee
involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late
afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early, provided your share of the work is done enough.

OUT FROM YOUR OWN DEATH:
This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks' notice as it is your duty to train your own replacement.

RESTROOM USE:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future, we
will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance all
employees whose names begin with 'A' will go from 8:00 to 8:20, employees whose names begin with 'B' will go from 8:20 to 8:40 and so on. If you're unable to go at your allotted time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your turn comes again. In extreme emergencies employees may swap their time with a co-worker. Both employees' supervisors must approve this exchange in writing. In addition, there is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, and the stall door will open.

LUNCH BREAK:
Skinny people get an hour for lunch as they need to eat more so that they
can look healthy, normal size people get 30 minutes for lunch to get a
balanced meal to maintain the average figure. Overweight people get 5
minutes for lunch because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast
and take a diet pill.

DRESS CODE:
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing $350 Prada sneakers and carrying a $600 Gucci bag we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a
positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments,
concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations,
insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternations or
input should be directed elsewhere.

Have a nice week!

Management

[Mike]

Im sure that many companies actually use that :!:


Mike...